Like a
large proportion of Baba devotees, my attention was attracted (in the
early 1980s) firstly by an interesting home video of a group visit to Sai Baba’s ashram, quickly followed by written and hearsay evidence
of the God-appeal (the “I am God” claims), and of constant miracles
(particularly to do with health, healing, and omniscience) as well as
an acquaintance with the impeccable basic teachings first revealed in
the books of enthusiastic commentators like Murphet, Sandweiss, Hislop
and, later, Krystal.
With these
powerful, compelling accounts of Sai Baba’s teachings and personality,
I soon came to accept and believe his claims to be an incarnation of
God, with full Divine Powers, as also revealed in many other books written
by devotees. Although I never experienced the over-brimming blissful
love that many devotees do, nor the special (often dramatic) impact
of seeing Baba for the first time (and, for some, at every darshan),
I considered myself a devotee.
I did
not join a Sai Baba Centre or attend any bhajan singing meetings
until almost ten years later and for several years I felt no wish or
compulsion to go to India to see Baba. My first visit to the Prasanthi
Nilayam ashram was in a group from Australia in December 1988. On my
return home, I conceived (like so many others) a strong desire to do
something to help spread knowledge about Sai Baba and his Mission, and
I attempted to do this for the next 10 years or more. For five of these,
I was fairly seriously dedicated to studying books on Sai Baba and writing
about him, eventually publishing two serious and original compilations
about Baba and his Mission.
In my
personal life, I tried to follow some of his teachings but, unlike many
devotees, I didn’t follow Baba’s exhortations to give up meat, alcohol
or coffee. I did very little seva (service to others) beyond
normal (and convenient) family seva, and writing, and I was never in
any hurry for Moksha (Liberation from life on earth and from
further reincarnations) nor to comply with the (Hindu) expectation of
celibacy and increasing spiritual practices as a Sannyasi in
the fourth and final stage of life (from the age of 50). Nevertheless,
through my time as a devotee, I have come to appreciate many other aspects
of the Hindu religion, which underlie Baba’s teaching and worship
of him (karma, reincarnation, respect for all religions, the power of
individual meditation and of certain mantras, especially the Gayatri
Mantra).
The few
Discourses by Baba that I have heard live in the ashram (with interpretation
into English) on special Festivals, or on videos, seemed disorganised,
rambling, and incomprehensible. When I finally read the apparently edited
versions, only the small pithy enlightening sentences and analogies
appealed to me and I skipped the endless Hindu scripture stories. I
was still happy to be a devotee.
I also remember feeling impatience
and great physical discomfort at the prolonged waiting cross-legged
for up to 2 hours for morning and afternoon darshan. I admit that it
was disappointing not to be looked at by Baba although he did (eventually)
accept my few letters on each visit. He also briefly blessed my 2 books
in darshan. The first time in1997, with a cursory nod and a hand gesture
of blessing toward the book - Abhaya hasta - and in morning darshan
on March 6, 1999, when he pushed against the proffered book cover and
poked me on the head with a bony finger and asked the familiar questions
which often precede an invitation to a personal interview : “Where
are you from?” and “How many?”). There was no invitation but I
was still delighted by the attention. Those were the only words Baba ever
said to me.
I never
had an interview with Baba but I accepted this as due to my own spiritual
unworthiness and my largely undiminished ego. I noticed (approvingly)
that Baba does seem to make a good choice of interviewees by choosing
the more sensitive, loving and committed devotees. This ability still
impresses me, although I am told by others more cynical that, for some
devotees, particularly if a donation is involved, an interview may sometimes
be “arranged” by the senior officials of the Baba Organisation!
For my
previous writing and for the present investigation, this lack of the
valuable observations and experiences of a personal contact has been
a handicap. It has made my research and belief much more dependent on
my own observations and feelings during darshan and, more crucially,
dependent on the writing and conversation of other more favoured devotees.
In the
mid-1990s I did come to love the group experience and uplift of singing
and hearing devotional bhajans, especially when I discovered (in Mexico)
that I could sing them reasonably well. For a couple of years, I was
happy organising bhajan sessions in my home and still have the photo
with what appear to be some tiny spots of vibhuti which appeared on
the glass cover after one bhajan session. I am impressed by many of
Baba’s materializations and particularly by the spontaneous appearance
of vibhuthi and amrit/nectar in devotees’ homes, which I have witnessed.
I have
often felt specially protected, particularly during certain very dangerous
moments in my life during the past 18 years, and at different times
I have felt strong promptings to write about Baba. I have even had a
few dreams of Baba, documented somewhere in my diaries, but nothing
worth repeating here. While writing my two previous books, I felt particularly
helped and inspired, and very happy. In both cases, the writing
process following the arduous research period was quite pleasant - and
for one thrilling week in May 1998, a diamond python basked in the sun
from 10 a.m. till 3 p.m. outside my study window as I wrote. At the
time, I had the impression that my path was being facilitated (by discovering
needed or unknown books at the right time, for example) and even that
interventions on the computer were being made to make me think twice
about including certain points or about rewriting certain passages.
I share all this with you because it was my experience.
In 1995,
2 weeks after being rescued at the last moment from drowning by two
teenage surfers after desperately calling out for Sai Baba’s help,
I had the idea of writing three books about Baba. I then settled down
more or less full time to the task of reading as many more books about
Baba as I could find (perhaps 200 in all). In 1997 and 1998 I published
two books on Sathya Sai Baba: The Sathya Sai Baba Compendium
and The Powers of Sathya Sai Baba.
These
books of mine were my sincere attempts to present a coherent picture
of this very special spiritual phenomenon by analysing and condensing
the huge (and disparate) literature by Sai Baba devotees produced during
the 50 years of his Mission so far.
In 1998,
I also began to research a third Baba reference book, with the aim of
describing Sai Baba’s Mission, but this time through his own words
- as published by the Sai Baba Organisation of Prashanthi Nilayam from
1954 to 1997 in the 30 volumes of Sathya Sai Speaks published
so far (to which I shall refer frequently during this study).
As the
intensive reading and annotation of the 30 volumes progressed, I began to pick
up more and more little pieces of evidence which did not fit easily into the
descriptive categories I had pre-selected for special coverage (like: Claims of
Divinity, Miracles, Omniscience, Devotees, Benefactors and Helpers, Stages and
Growth of the Mission, and so on). In fact, these newly discovered discrepancies
and worrying pieces of information were niggling reminders of the fragments and
threads of perplexing or unacceptable data that I had already had to put aside
in separate files during the compilation of the data for the two preceding
books.
When I
finally completed my database on the 30 volumes towards the end of 1999,
I was surprised and perturbed to find that I simply could neither continue
with writing up my original project, nor could I contemplate writing
a totally different, and critical, book about Sai Baba. I had run into
a writer’s brick wall!
In this
uncomfortable state, I put aside my crammed files and rough drafts, jottings,
musings and fragments and I tried to concentrate on other writing tasks and
work. Every now and then, my unease and my strong doubts drove me to look over
some aspect or other of this awkward mass of information, to pick at it as one’s
tongue constantly seeks out a nagging tooth.
Then suddenly
in April 2000, after months of speculation, came the beginning of an
international furore with critical Internet allegations and revelations
about Sai Baba’s activities, including allegations of sexual misconduct
by Baba over many years. I found these revelations very disturbing.
For full details, see the Internet articles by Alexandra Nagel documenting
much of this recent period:
A
Guru Accused. Sai Baba, from Avatar to Homo- paedophile, on
http://home.hetnet.nl/~ex-baba/engels/articles/guruaccused.html
For and Against
Sathya Sai Baba on the Internet, on
http://home.hetnet.nl/~ex-baba/engels/articles/downfall.html
The major
part of the subsequent and ongoing activity by the pro- and anti-Baba
groups has centred around the sexual allegations and, although the discerning
Web surfer can find a few serious website discussions of the issues,
the either has also been inundated by a lot of unhelpful, scurrilous,
ranting Internet postings on a number of Bulletin Boards for and against
Baba. In spite of a considerable number of published accusations by
young male ex-devotees, which suggest that Baba has been interfering
with some young devotees over decades, there is as yet no legal proof
of misdemeanours or crimes. Should such proof eventuate, of course,
those devotees who have remained faithful will be faced with a serious
dilemma. A further serious matter hanging over the Organisation and
Baba himself are the inadequately explained ashram murders and police
shootings of 1993. Both of these issues are having an important influence
on the development of the Sai Baba Mission worldwide, and there are
currently well-publicised plans afoot to attempt to indict Sai Baba
in some national or world arena.
Some major Internet
sources of information on the accusations of the past 18 months, and
on older material which has now been given greater prominence are:
The principal defence
website set up by devotees of Sai Baba is:
www.geocities.com/the_sai_critic
In this
public process of accusations and denial, much adverse attention has
been attracted to Sai Baba (and his Organisation). Because of this,
an unknown number of non-Indian devotees (especially ex-officials of
the Sai Organisation in foreign countries like U.S.A., Canada, UK, France,
The Netherlands, Sweden, Argentina and Australia) have been forced to
face the trauma of loss of belief in the Divinity of this guru and have
left the Baba fold to face an uncertain spiritual future, or to engage
in activities designed to “unmask” Sai Baba. At the moment (October
2001), it is not clear how these allegations will eventually be resolved
but the bitter and determined debates will continue to rage around the
figure of this Guru until some sort of resolution is achieved.
My own
slow and hesitant investigations (kept totally private until now) are
along quite different lines, mainly peripheral to the spectacular current
allegations and the resulting heated debate. Indeed, part of my dilemma
has been that if I publish my “evidence” (such as it is), it will
instantly be pounced upon to reinforce the existing allegations of sexual
misconduct (and indeed crimes) against Sai Baba. That was and is not
my intention. My current position is that, based on what I believe I
have discovered (painfully and slowly although it was there all the
time for me - or anyone else - to see), I can no longer justify my belief
in Baba as an incarnated God on Earth, or as Omniscient and Omnipotent.
However, I still recognise that he displays certain special powers (inexplicable
outside the Hindu guru or godman tradition). Furthermore, it seems futile
to deny that the huge worldwide Sathya Sai Organisation, whatever its
alleged or real internal faults and weaknesses, has carried out much
worthwhile charitable work, mainly in India.
Other
people’s beliefs are none of my business and I willingly recognise
that a major amount of evidence contained in the literature written
about Sai Baba shows Baba to have been and still to be a powerful, charismatic,
and effective guru who inspires millions of people with his impeccable
spiritual and moral teachings, and who has been instrumental in attracting
many people to the spiritual path and in transforming many lives.
In my
case, serious doubts about the truth of the Divinity claims (together
with collateral damage to my faith from the accumulating sexual allegations)
have forced me to recover my critical judgement, anaesthetised for so
long by my belief in Sai Baba’s special self-proclaimed Divine nature,
and to draw together the strands of the niggling doubts which I collected
(but conveniently hid away) into a more coherent pattern. What I can
no longer do is hide from myself the embarrassing evidence revealed
by my three book research projects. I am being cathartically forced
to admit, and (perhaps), as a writer, to share with any others who may
be interested, that some of what I happily and uncritically described
as unique and exciting truths in my two previous hagiographical books
about Sai Baba must now be seen, objectively, as untrue and misleading.
Indeed, truth (which is the meaning of Baba’s first name, Sathya, and one of the
five cardinal principals advocated by him) seems to be what is in question here.
Postscript
I thought
I was right about Sai Baba in my previous books. How do I know if my
new opinions are correct? I do not, but I cannot ignore my disturbing
evidence.
I welcome
comments on what I have written here. However, to avoid misunderstandings
and to save unnecessary correspondence, let me repeat that I am not
crusading against Sathya Sai Baba as a spiritual teacher. It is not
my aim to stop other people from believing in his teachings per se.
My constant preoccupation and problem has primarily been to try to sift
through a mass of worrying evidence to reach some sort of conclusion.
I now wish to share that evidence and the thoughts it has provoked in
myself with others who may be in a mood to listen to it.
Finally,
when I comment on the naivety and gullibility of devotees, I recognise
that I shared these attributes for many years - and I am not totally
free of them now.
Acknowledgments
I am grateful
to and totally dependent on my written and other sources of information.
I have tried to acknowledge them all by brief references in the text.
See the Bibliography for full details. I am particularly indebted to
the pioneering investigative work of two authors: Dale Beyerstein and
Erlendur Haraldsson, until recently relatively lone voices of objectivity
in a literature noted for its devoted and trusting hagiography.
On a more
personal level, I wish to thank my dear friends, Alexandra Nagel and
Robert Priddy, for their contributions of information, suggestions and
corrections, and above all for their constant encouragement, and good
humour, even when my motivation faltered and I wanted to put an end
to the whole painful venture.
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